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Post 6: Skin Cancer – It’s pretty much a bad time.

Since it’s summertime, I figured I’d talk about a problem that is plaguing millions of Americans: being pale in a bathing suit.

Don’t be afraid; you’re not alone. I mean, I’m not with you. I’m tan. But like, there are lots of people just like you. Just look around your local beach. You’ll see what I mean.

Not a good look.

Usually people attempt to remedy this condition with lots of fake baking or by just frying themselves in the sun for hours at a time using little to no sunscreen. This is no bueno.

I’ve been there. Since I’m Italian, I usually don’t need a very high SPF to keep my skin from burning. However, that’s only the case in Southern California. I found this out the hard way during a vacation in the Caribbean. A combination of stupidity and SPF 4 crushed my dreams of becoming a bronzed Bahamian and instead transformed me into the human equivalent of a sun-dried tomato. Apparently the sun gets stronger the closer you are to the equator. Who knew? (Everyone. Everyone knows.).

Thankfully, the good Samaritans at Ocean Potion know there are morons just like me around the world, and capitalized on our lack of geographical/solar/dermatological knowledge.

"Burn Relief ICE" (Read: "You're hurting and you need me")

I should have written Ocean Potion a freakin love letter (much like the one I did to Starbucks) for how much they saved me. I used an entire bottle of aloe the first night of that trip. Never again will I wear anything less than SPF 30 south of San Diego. Learn from my mistake.

Then there’s spray tanning. I’m not really a fan, which may be because I accidentally let my friend spray tan me into racial ambiguity.

She needed to learn how to spray tan for her new job at a salon, so I volunteered to be the guinea pig (as I type this I now realize how this was all my fault). I figured her boss would show her how to use the machine and then I’d get to leave, a little more bronzed than I was when I came in. Four coats later, I looked like this:

This bikini really doesn't flatter my skin tone

But… I’m not kidding.

It was so embarrassing that I basically sprinted to the nearest shower and scrubbed my skin raw. Alas, despite my best efforts, I still kind of looked like Snooki (less pregnant though).

Let’s be honest: there are more bad spray tans than there are good ones. So if this is your method of ameliorating a pale situation, choose wisely and potentially don’t let someone who has never spray-tanned anyone use your body as a practice run.

However, the main reason why I want to talk about tanning is to nag the crap out of you more serious: skin cancer.

I love the sun. Although melanoma runs in my family, I decided at an early age that I was supposed to be born a mermaid and God made a mistake, so I spend the majority of my free time at the beach and in the ocean. This doesn’t really lend itself to protecting your skin from UV rays.

The difference between sun-kissed and death-sentence is all in how you protect yourself. You can get tan with sunscreen, it’ll just take longer. Patience.

SPF is going to be the difference between this:

Look how beautiful I am!

and this:

RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, CHILD!

  

Since I’ve inadvertently fried my skin a time or two, I knew I had to be extra cautious, so I started getting full-body screenings with my dermatologist. Highly recommended.

Anyway, this is my little PSA of the day. Being pale is a plight on society, but dying from skin cancer is probably worse. Lather up.

Post 5: iStarbucks

**Apologizing in advance for my overuse of parenthetical statements. I don’t plan on editing them out. Sorry I’m not sorry.**

I’m trying to avoid any more drug references on this blog (don’t want people to get the wrong idea, here), but there are a few things to which I am completely addicted. With my limited scope of knowledge (which should be taken as ultimate authority on every subject), I have decided to share my opinions on a subject that combines two of my vices: Starbucks and iPhones.

It’s a glorious fusion of everything that is good in the world. Okay, I overshot that one. Not everything. But two wonderful things.

Aside - I’m not one of those hipster coffee consumers nor do I have any kind of refined palate in the coffee spectrum, so if you’re a regular at Intelligentsia or some kind of trendy shit like that, and are planning on being all judgmental about S-Bux, you can stop reading now. I mean that in the kindest way possible. I’m doing us both a favor.

Anyway. I’ve had a cell phone since the age of nine (I figured you all have formed an opinion about me at this point so I’m just gonna say things and not worry about justifying them. YOLO?). In fact, my first cell phone didn’t even have texting capabilities. Stone age status. It had an antenna. Remember antennas? Lol. I don’t even know what I did with that thing. Made calls? Weird. I don’t wana think about it.

this was my first phone. it doesn't even have a color screen. so retro.

Then along came texting, bummer for my parents (yay, Verizon!), and then the game changer: smart phones. It wasn’t long (actually, it was long… boo Verizon) till I got the iPhone. This little Jobsy gem changed the way I use technology.

whoops. forgot about the whole 'no drug' thing.

My friends are haters – they make fun of me all the time for my iPhone usage. Like, sorry you haven’t figured out how to use yours yet. Not my problem.

I’ve been propositioned on multiple occasions to have my iPhone surgically affixed to my person. I mean, it’s practically an appendage at this point. I just haven’t really gotten into the trend of cosmetic surgery (yet).

Onto Starbucks (and then I’ll explain the relation).

But actually.

I have an unparalleled love for The Bucks. Not only do they have the absolute BEST company logo of all time (a MERMAID) but they have such a rad brand experience. I don’t know why I care about this, but I do. Go with it. I could go to a Starbucks in France (I did, once) and know that I’m going to get the same experience (except pay like five times more and in Euros). It’s that continuity and dependability that I appreciate.

I don’t mind paying a 400% markup for coffee at the place that invented the Mocha Coconut Frappuccino. I also waited in a one-hour line (Frappy Hour) for said Frappuccino. Dedication or insanity? You decide. I’ll keep living it.

On that note, let’s take a second to discuss the blessing that is an MCF. 

get. at. me.

Remember my post about Samoas? How they taste like a miracle? It’s kind of like that, in ice-blended form. Or like a blended Almond Joy. It’s unreal. It tastes like a vacation is happening in your mouth. If you’re in the same boat (wishing it was an actual boat) as me and are not on vacation, this is really exciting.

kind of like this.

Mouthcation. It's a lifestyle (for poor people).

To be honest, I don’t even like coffee that much. I do however, like when it’s hidden under layers of delicious coconut flavor. But the coffee I could do without.

There are so many other parts of Starbucks I love that keep me going back: Tazo Iced Chai, Coconut Fraps in summer, Pumpkin Spice in the fall, Cranberry Bliss Bars around Christmas… little seasonal things to look forward to.

Now that I feel like I’ve written a love letter to an inanimate object (only a little embarrassed), I’ll pump the brakes and get to the point.

THE STARBUCKS APP.

I know this is nothing new but lots of people still don’t know about it. YOU NEED TO KNOW.

I have serious ADD (if you couldn’t already tell), so usually when I try to come up with a concept, I have SO many ideas that everything gets confusing and it doesn’t work out.

Starbucks worked it out.

The app streamlined everything Starbucks-oriented that is convenient to a customer. It is one of the most versatile and well thought out apps I’ve come across, and I was confused as to why the rating was so low in the app store.

With a bit of investigation, I noticed that the bulk of the low ratings came from people who were frustrated with a glitch (that Bux fixed within a day or two) and the occasional crash. Are you kidding me people? All apps crash occasionally. It happens. Have you TRIED the Facebook app? That thing crashes every time you blink. Take 2.7 seconds and reopen it. It’s not that hard.

The best feature on the app is the ability to manage and use your Starbucks money/gift card from your phone. If you have a registered gift card and have yet to download this app, this is going to be life changing (did I mention it's FREE?). Try to control your excitement.

Register your card then enter your info into the app. It immediately brings up your balance and knows your rewards level. You can save your credit card information if you so choose (to forever indebt yourself to a mega corporation). I did. I’m not sure yet if that was a good or bad decision. I guess I’ll find out.

So much convenience.

Within 30 seconds I can check the balance on my card, reload my card (sorry, Mom), and pay… USING MY PHONE. Literally, all on one screen. Boner. I haven’t brought my wallet into a Starbucks in the past month. I feel like a Jetson. They just scan the screen of your phone and it goes directly to your account.

You can find the closest Starbucks to you and it will show you how to get there. What’s more, is if you’re like me and dress like a homeless person on most days of the week and don’t want to be seen by normal people, you can find the closest drive through. Hence, feeding your addiction without the effort of actually putting on real clothes and brushing your hair. Brilliance.

If you live in Japan, this might not be a necessary function. You probably live next to, above, or in a Starbucks.

seriously though.

Then there’s the drink-maker feature with the nutrition guide – if you’re actually concerned with caloric consumption (then you probably don't go to Starbucks often) you can see what’s in your favorite drinks, and maybe consider some alternatives once you realize what you’ve been mindlessly ingesting. If you’re into the whole ignorance is bliss (fat) thing (trust me, I’m with you), you may want to avoid this facet of the app. 

No worries. Britney doesn't use the calorie counter either.

Regardless of my brand allegiance, this app is really well thought out. It's everything I could have asked for from Starbs (read: they capitalized on my affinity for technology). They did a fantastic job and completely simplified my life as a consumer, which, let’s be honest, was already pretty simple. So kudos to them.  I feel super trendy and techy every time I go to get an MCF or iced tea. It's phenomenal. You’re welcome.