I wasn't kidding...

(see Post 2 if you don't know what I'm talking about)

Post 2: Girl Scouts USA = Major Drug Cartel

Most of you may have noticed the miniature Columbian drug lords around town, using their cuteness to convince you to buy narcotics from them. They only come around once a year, but when they do, all hell breaks loose.

If you don’t know what I’m referring to, you’re about to have a HOLY SHIT moment when you realize that you’ve been conned into buying crack cocaine in bulk quantities every February/March.

I’m talking, of course, about Girl Scouts.

I guess they technically wouldn’t be drug lords, but more like the Falcons. Or, Halcones, as they call them in Columbia. The Girl Scouts of the USA organization was founded in 1912, but in the late 1930s they decided to really get in the game and form an underground drug cartel as a big “eff you” to the men who had been running the show prior. This eventually would help fuel the women’s rights movement 30-ish years later. Their business is black-market but their product is mainstream – maximizing profitability while capitalizing on vulnerability. Sell cookies, but put DRUGS in them. Genius.

Girl Scout cookies are the most addictive product on the market since crystal meth. I’m surprised the FDA hasn’t put a warning on them yet. I heard Nicorette is actually creating a sub-brand aimed at helping addicts alleviate their cravings. ThinMinterett. It’s a work in progress, don’t judge them.

Think about it – you can’t just eat one cookie. You have one, and then seventeen cookies later, you’re in the fetal position, crying in a fit of self-loathing, clutching an empty box and cursing the demon-child that sold it to you.

The only logical explanation is that Girl Scout cookies are actually laced with crack cocaine. And the real problem isn’t just that they’re addicting, but that there are approximately 47 grams of saturated fat in each cookie (I potentially overestimated). So not only are they addicting, but they’re also LETHAL. It’s like hooking up an IV of butter to your carotid artery. Except you love it.

I recently bought a box of Samoas, but promised myself I wouldn’t eat them till after spring break. I hid it from myself in my textbook drawer, since I never open it, and prayed that I’d forget it was there. You want to know who behaves like that? Drug addicts.

Not gonna lie, Samoas are hands down my favorite food in the world besides In-N-Out. Tasting a Samoa is like experiencing a miracle. You never knew something could ever be so good. If I didn’t have a relative understanding of physical health and/or a decent amount of self-respect, I’d be a f*cking whale right now. I would literally die because of my dietary choices. Each time the little drug dealers came around in their green skirts and berets, I’d stock up like a nuclear winter was upon us. And I’d follow up each box of Samoas with a Double-Double. Mmmmm.

Thank God I’m self-conscious. Without that, I’d have diabetes in like two weeks.

Part of what helps me maintain some semblance of self-control is the timing. They sell in the month leading up to spring break. This just proves how evil they truly are. They’re selling you a box with enough fat content inside to nourish a third-world country for a month, RIGHT before the one time you’re about to prance around half-naked for a week. Cabo diet? Whatever! It’s Girl Scout cookie time.

Not.

Don’t let these little girls victimize you. They may look cute, but they’re inherently evil. Remember: DRUG CARTEL.

Post 1: Biebs.

It is a very important person's very important birthday today. Justin Bieber is finally legal in the United States. In honor of this, I present to you:

Post 1: Biebs.

If the man of my dreams offered me either an engagement ring, or tickets to a Justin Bieber concert, I’d have a very similar if not identical emotional response.

Having this is as my first post is probably blogger self-suicide, since 90% of the people reading this probably hate Justin Bieber, but I don’t care. I love him. Anyway...

It all started as a joke. I, too, was among the “haters.” I didn’t beliebe the hype. I literally said, “who is this 12 year old douche,” to a roommate while she watched him dance with Ludacris on YouTube back in ’09 (He was 15… I’m such an idiot). In a campaign of self-amusement (which is pretty much how I go through life… making jokes for myself), I took the role as a belieber and pretended to be a fanatic. It was hilarious (but only to myself).

In the time that I spent pretending to love JB, I actually fell in love. It’s like that movie, where the girl pretends to like the guy and ends up falling for him… only we don’t actually know each other and I’m pretty sure we’re not going to get married in the end. Whatever it was a good analogy for the most part.

Quoting one of my favorite YouTube personalities, Jenna Marbles, Biebs sings “like a angel sliding down a rainbow.”

If you don’t beliebe us, listen to this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eQOFRZ1wNLw&feature=fvwrel

That, there, is raw talent. I don’t care if you don’t like his style of music or songwriting. His voice is unreal. How many kids do you know that can sing that well? And for everyone who thought the angelic sound wouldn’t last post-puberty, get this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lXoN5kN6tjY

FF to 8:06. Did you hear that?! Freaking STEVIE WONDER thinks JB sounds like him when he was a little boy.

Back to the song. I feel like Christmas music is an accessible genre for anyone. If you love Christmas, you undoubtedly love Christmas music. It’s easy to like an artist when they successfully perform a song you already like and are familiar with. I love Christmas. I also love Justin Bieber. Hence, this song = boner.

His jacket and earrings in that video kind of make him look like a lesbian. I like it. I hope that doesn’t make me a lesbian. Oh well. I guess it doesn’t matter what you’re wearing if you’re performing with Stevie Wonder.

My main point is that you can’t argue talent. I’m not saying you should start liking bubblegum pop music aimed at 8-16 year old girls. You can leave that to me.

But at least respect talent when it slaps you in the face in a purple American Apparel hoodie.

Justin has been compared to Elvis, MJ, Stevie, and even the Beatles (not sure how I feel about that last one). I’m guessing this offends their fans, since whenever you idolize an artist or public figure, you think no one else could possibly compare. How dare they compare this little pre-teen douche to MJ?! Trust me… I know how you feel. I was once there. Before I reached enlightenment. Bieblightenment. That didn’t work…….  Justinlightenment. Maybe. Whatever.

It wasn’t till I appreciated Biebs as his own artist – and stopped comparing him to everything else in my musical reference – that I became a belieber. His movie also helped just a little bit. You should watch it sometime.

You never know. You might become a belieber yourself. Never say never (OmG LoL what a g00d Pun!!).


So happy birthday, baby Biebs. You're a real man, now. I think.